The day of the Nuffnang Blog Awards

(Yes. I'm finally only now posting this. So sue me.)

Wow where do I begin?

First off, I'm extremely, super, muchos very sorry for

1) Not replying to every comment like I used to. So now that I've been caught in the act (thanks a lot, Ben) the stalking must resume.

2)Taking too long a time to post. This blog has been a bit slow mainly because college has just started and I'm taking too much time being a freshman and getting lost and being awed and watching the entire Dr Who 6th series and missing home to do anything substantial.

In fact, class is just about to begin so I'll try to make this as short as possible. (Btw Vince, you've heard this story so there's really no point to continue)

[Warning: May contain sushi and dressing up like a hoe]

At first, I was wondering if I should write about this. 

You know what they say about jinxing a run of good luck. But then I thought about it and No, dammit! Einstein's lost (And possibly eaten, the poor idiotic feline), I officially have no social life, no love life and now, no kitty to love forever and ever.

All I do have is this blog (That sounds...pretty sad. Even for my standards) and in a few hours, a college life being surrounded by girls ten times prettier and more elegant than either I or Einstein will ever be.

That's okay Einstein, we have nice teeth.

Also, I realize that I've never actually blogged about my day at the Blog Awards. But that has more to do with me being a lazy ass than any deep insecurity issues.

This is me, waiting for a train that's half an hour late. But you don't want to hear that. What you really want to hear is where I'm going. Ok, so maybe that's not what you want to hear but WAIT! Here's a picture of a cute bunny.

Please forgive me.

My bunk bed inside the train

Forgive the horrible lighting. Here's a sexy thigh

Le nerd in the morning

Arriving in KL after 9 hours of crappy train travel

It was 6 a.m. by the time I arrived at KL sentral and I'd barely slept a wink (Sleeping next  to the car door - That freaky, empty space of tracks and cogs between two cars - is a lot like taking a nap in the middle of a marching band).

I got to my aunt's house at around 7 after taking my breakfast at McDs. She wasn't around by then - probably somewhere in the middle of the honking mess that is KL's rush hour traffic - but I had the keys to the apartment.

Or so I thought. (Cue big super melodramatic cymbal crash)

The door? It was locked. So I used my keys and...it was still locked. In fact it was so superbly locked that it stayed that way for half an hour while I tried every other key on the bunch. Twice. 

Then I tried banging (on the door), and knocking, and finally by the time I got to my knees, begging and pleading, we started to have a nice conversation, the door and me. Didn't really say much though.

After half an hour the decision was pretty clear cut - Either I stayed that way the rest of the day, waiting and door chatting until  the evening when Vince would pick me up and take me to the blog awards, or I did something about it. 

So I knocked on a random neighbor's door. This could go two ways I figured. Either a) It's a sweet Chinese twenty-something girl living alone or b)A burly 40-something year old guy with a mean face and nunchucks and a nifty scalp collection.

The twenty-something girl opened her door. (Ah well, I was really looking forward to seeing that scalp collection) Could I pretty please use her shower? I asked, in my sweetest 17 year old, seemingly innocent Chinese girl voice. Sure, she said. And I've never been more grateful to be a 17 year old seemingly innocent Chinese girl. 

After that, she offered to give me a ride to Sunway Pyramid, the nearest mall there. Since it was still crazy early, nothing was opened yet except Starbucks. DRINK ALL THE COFFEE!!!

This is Ben.

He plays a pretty big role in my story.

So Ben asks me where I'm from.


Kedah, I say.

What a coincidence, says he, I'm from Kedah too! What are you doing in KL? He asks, To study?


No. I say, I'm here for an event.


Funny thing says he You might be here for the same event as my wife.


Now you really don't need to guess where this is going.

The girl on my left (your right) is Gloria. She has beautiful hair, a beautiful soul, much better skin (than mine) and was going to the Blog Awards as well! (Mother of all mother of coincidences) We got to talking about how hard it is to go anywhere in Kedah and how much we love books and reading and actually thinking. Then before I knew it, Ben and Gloria were inviting me to have lunch with them.

Uh...Ben? They're taking pictures of us

That's because they're bloggers. It's what bloggers do.

How do you know that?

I married one.    

No silly, we shamelessly ask people to take pictures of us too.

This is good. i don't know what it is, but it's really, really good.

MINE! Omnomnomnom

Afterwards when I tried to pay for my meal, Gloria and Ben refused. It's on me, said Ben. Allegedly, I was still a student and they were working and I wasn't earning any money yet and they were good people. But my guilt conscience was too strong. Still is too strong. And since I can't stalk them down and track their house and return the cash, give me a few seconds to do this.

Visit Bonjour Glow!!! 

And if you do visit their blog, tell Gloria and Ben I said hi and thanks for the nice lunch and that I'll never forget them for being such friendly, nice people. (Who were initially strangers and the became more)

We went to their hotel - whilst Ben went to watch his poor friend getting braces - and got ready for the Blog Awards.

Oh Gloria, you do look ever so pretty

If you'll notice, I've got an overbite that sticks out when I smile.
The shame.

Class is starting now so I'll post this first half up first for now.

Stay in touch for the second half:

 [Come over to my hotel. or Should I go clubbing? or Winning free stuff. or The perfect end to a perfect day.]

Also, Malaysian readers will stand a chance to win 300 Ringgit Dermalogica vouchers so keep your eyes open for that too. *Inserts smiley face here*

Have...you seen my pussy?

Cat? 

Come on...you know you saw that coming.

Remember Einstein? 

She was in my Nuffnang Blog Awards, here I come. post. 

Now I better point out that I'm not much of a cat person. They've always seemed too cold for my liking. Too calculating, too apathetic... too not nice. So it only seems perversely fitting that I'd find myself the owner of one. Thanks, by the way, god.

Meet Einstein. We found her one day crying outside our house compound. When I went out to check, there she was. Trapped in the drain outside.

So I picked her up, dusted her off and set her to dry.

Five minutes later, she's crawled back into the drain.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Finally after some consultation (aka begging and pleading) with my even bigger cat hater of a mom, she let us keep it. 

EInstein's done some pretty smart things, like discovering the speed of light as a new absolute, or coming up with the formula E=mc2. But our EInstein? Nuh uh. No way. She's about as blunt as a hammer. For the first week after she started living with us, we had to box Einstein up 24-7 because she kept wanting to sneak out and play with Spotty, the Doberman.


And now she's gotten herself lost.


It's been two weeks already and I fear I'll never see Einstein again. We call out for her everyday and even Spotty's helping in the search - he's gotten quite fond of the kitty. If anybody near Sungai Petani sees a kitten that looks like the one above, you know who to call.

By the way, sorry for the misleading title. 

To make up for it, here's a picture of me naked.

Okay, no seriously. 

Here's a picture of me naked below the belt.

Go back to work, everybody.

You sick, sick bastard

Muchas gracias to the interesting and outspoken Sam Insanity for bringing this to my attention. You should go check out his blog. It's awesome. Seriously. Back yet? Good.

So if anyone's been reading the paper recently, you've probably seen this in the Dear Thelma advice column:

Two days ago, an undergraduate confessed that he'd been sleeping with his granny regularly...

After being caught masturbating in his room....

And then after she passed away...well, I'll just let you read it for yourself.

[Sick perverseness begins Here]


[lock up the kiddies, parents.]


[And while you're at it, you better lock up the grannies too] 

Guilty secret with granny

I AM an undergraduate at a public university and am currently in my final year. I have a dark secret that’s consuming my life. I can barely keep up with my studies and I’ve been failing a number of papers. Despite support from my family members and girlfriend, I still ended up failing. I feel really lost.

I come from a very strict and conservative family. If my family members find out about my secret, they will be greatly disappointed. I’m troubled but have nobody to turn to.

It all started back when I completed my final STPM paper. I was masturbating in my room and had forgotten to lock the door. Halfway through, my grandmother opened the door to call me for dinner and caught me in the act. I was shocked to see her and quickly pulled up my pants. She just kept quiet and walked away.

I felt dirty, disgusted, guilty and ashamed of myself. After the incident, I always felt awkward whenever I saw my grandmother, but seeing her was inevitable as we lived under the same roof. Things became worse a few months after the incident.

One day, after my parents and had siblings had gone out, I had to help grandmother prepare dinner. As we were talking, she kept saying how much I resembled my (deceased) grandfather when he was young and how much she missed him. There was a long pause, after which she gestured me to her room. I had a feeling I knew what was going to happen, but curiosity got the better of me.

I cannot remember much after this. I knew it was wrong, but I proceeded anyway. It lasted no more than five minutes and I quickly left her room after that. It was all very confusing, but that did not stop me – I started having sex with my grandmother regularly after that.

She passed away recently and I sank into depression. I cannot concentrate on my course and my relationship with my girlfriend has been affected. Every time we attempt to have sex, I just cannot perform and she is getting impatient.

My grades are failing, my girlfriend is frustrated with me, my family is disappointed with me, and I still fantasise about my grandmother. What I should do? Should I be honest with my family about this?

- On The Edge

[Sick perverseness ends here]

My money lies on a hoax. 

Probably by some sick teenager who gets a kick out of freaking out poor advice columnist ladies in mumus. 

This.
Is a mumu.

But since he (or she. Just to be politically correct here) came up with the time and effort to put a dose of ludicrousness into our daily lives (as if our politicians aren't doing enough of that already. But more on that next time),  I figured I owe it to the guy to give my own advice.

Of course, you can always see the real response Thelma gave on The Star's official website.


But seriously, where's the fun in that?


Dear On The Edge,


You evidently need a lot of help if all you can accomplish is five minutes with your own grandmother (And lets be honest here, it probably wasn't even five was it?). But lucky for you, I happen to be a professional advice columnist at The Moon, Malaysia's latest newspaper. It also sounds like gullible if you say it really....reaaaaalllllllyyyyyyyyy slowly.


Firstly, you've been reading way too much 4chan. Get off the page. Nobody's actually posting there anyway.


Secondly, you need to get a life. If the first thing you did after finishing your final STPM paper is jack off, then I'm sorry, but you are a loser. People your age are out there partying, getting wasted and generally having a good time and I suggest you do the same. That is, of course, unless nobody invited you. Which may have something to do with your resembling your dead grandfather.


Unfortunately, I have no advice on how to cure ugliness. I do however, have a paper bag with me. It's very useful. 


Thirdly, and lets just cut to the chase here, you don't really have a girlfriend do you? Because if you did, you wouldn't be spending all your time on 4chan, whacking off, and writing bogus crap letters to the newspaper.   Hooray for you though, if you plan on continuing along your path of thinking up lame hoaxes. 


It is also in the opposite direction of a vagina.  


Still, good for you.


Love, Punk Chopsticks


A hoax or the real deal? You tell me. 


[Final joke]