What girls want

What do girls want?

Seriously, it's been centuries since man first discovered fire and yet half of the X chromosome owning population still haven't figured it out.

Really vibing the hat.

Last month in Dhamma camp, our facilitator and guiding monk - Bhante Amaranatho (A-mara-natho, meaning: Refuge in the deathlessness. Sounds very Dark Jedi/Harry potteresque I know, but trust me, theres a lot more to it) asked us to write down the biggest questions in life we wanted to ask. Some kids wanted to know how to achieve happiness, others asked how could they grow facial hair faster, earn lots of money faster, fall in love, what was going to happen the next day. I personally wanted to know the names of Timmy Turner's parents.

Don't kids just say the darndest things?

Then one boy asked Bhante Amaranatho what girls wanted.

There was this huge swell of laughter where everyone slapped their knees going something like "Oh how witty! How funny!" But when it died down, Bhante (Who was still shaking the last of his giggles out) turned to look at my group and asked. "Well? What do girls want?"

What do girls want? Well not much really. I just want to feel like I'm special in a world where everyone's trying their hardest to stand out. I want attention to be paid where attention is due and to be left alone to figure things out on my own. I want to feel like I'm all tough but still need to know that theres a safety net behind me. I want my achievements to be recognized and not just my faults.

Warning: Overused feminist philosophy up ahead [Then it hit me, as simple and in-your-face as it sounds, the only reason I'm feeling like this is because I'm not doing the job myself. Loving myself, respecting myself, paying more attention to myself, are all responsibilities that I'd inadvertently shifted onto other people the older I became. Well screw that. I may not have the best ass in the world, but it's mine and I'll kiss it every other day of the week. I have no idea where that came from.]

So this is pretty basic stuff for most guys over the age of 16. They think that they've got it all covered, doing all the right things, showing off all your right moves. But if somehow you're doing all that and things aren't going out so well, then maybe it's time to take a raincheck.

Clarissa's  List  of  Things  You  Might  Have  Done  Wrong.

I love makeup. It makes me not ugly.

1. Playing hard to get.
For some reason, guys think playing hard to get means being a cold pain in the butt cheeks. I honestly don't know where this idea originated from, but let me tell you, it's all wrong. Wrong. Very wrong. Playing hard to get goes as such. 1) You spot your target and study her 2)Find common ground to talk about 3)As soon as you find what interests her, talk about it 4) Politely excuse yourself from the conversation 5)Live your life and 6)Rinse wash and repeat as many times as it takes for you to get the balls to ask her out.


2. Killing the conversation
So maybe you wanted to know more about her. So maybe you let her keep talking about herself, only contributing once or twice with an 'Mmm hmm" 'Ok" and "Tell me more". Well let me tell you this pal, unless that girl is seriously self centered to the point of bimbotic brain damage, she's probably seen though your ruse. It's OK to want to know more about a person, but if your aren't really focusing on what we say, we'll know. And pity the poor girl why don't you, isn't it selfish enough that you're boring her to death, now you want her to be responsible for keeping the convo afloat? Yeah right. When hell becomes a skating rink.


3. Being vainer than her/Vice versa
Here's a tricky one. Very much like how guys appreciate beauty but scoff at the lengths women go to achieve it, we're pretty much the same. Each girl has her own set of boundaries, some think it's OK to wear moisturizer, others find that a complete turn off, and some girls want their man to look his best at all times. So pay special attention to the comments she gives to other guys, 'cause whether you like it or not, they're probably going on in her head about you too. Base the tolerance for your vanity according to how much emphasis she bases on looks. But seriously mate, if you're going through that much trouble to put on an outfit, she ain't worth it.


4. Touchy subjects
Girls are like clams. Touch us where we're weak and we'll shut ourselves up faster than you can say "Holy CRAP" because (and be warned) you might lose a finger or two in the process. I know that almost all girls like funny guys, but please...please don't try too hard. And that includes shedding a humorous light on, say, her over the top adoration for Justin Bieber.
"HEY HEY! Stop saying that Justin Bieber is gay!!! You know why??? 'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO BE MALE TO BE GAY. Kapow!"
Now I'm not saying that all girls find that offensive, I personally, found that rather snot-spitting hilarious. But if she's told you something very personal, she might be entrusting you with her most vulnerable secrets. regardless of how light a tone she uses. So be cautious: (This has happened to me too many times than I can count) Follow the tone of the conversation. If she suddenly becomes more sombre than usual, go with it. You're probably being allowed to enter a whole other side of her. Don't screw that up

[Bonus. A brief translation of the phrases you might encounter along your perilous journey in answer to the question "What's wrong?"]


Girl                                                                                       English
The same old thing.                                                            Nothing.
Nothing.                                                                                  Everything.
Everything.                                                                            My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really.                                                                     It's just that you're such a jerk.
I don't want to talk about it.                                             Go away, I'm still building up
                                                                                                      evidence against  you.

Well that's it folks, this post is mainly dedicated to Nero, a buddy who can't stop telling crap ass dirty jokes, thinking crap ass dirty thoughts and generally just doing all the wrong things. But if you still can't get a girl, you're probably 1) too clingy 2) Too aloof 3)Too pretty 4)Butt ugly 5)Too narcissistic 6)Too humble...and the list goes on and on. Sounds harsh it's true, but I know that at the other end of the chopping block, my boobs aren't big enough either. Tough.

I might be tempted to continue Venus/Mars related posts like this one, but that depends on the response I get. Should Clarissa give advice? Or should she be barred from the net where she shalt do no damage?

But till then, ciao.