New Year Nostalgia and a Guy

It's been four years, and yet the only man I've ever (Okay, I'm not going to use the word Love here, since I generally love everyone I meet) felt completely comfortable talking to, felt warm and fuzzy at night with, and sure, if you want to get all melodramatic, the only guy I've ever loved

is probably the unluckiest soul on earth.

Because besides being completely myself with him, I was also thirteen years old at the time. (I'm much older now, but I still stand by what I said. All of it)

For most people, being thirteen years old and in love means watching Twilight and getting googly eyed whenever Robert Pattison came on screen. But for me (And a handful out there I'm willing to bet), it means being one hell of a cold hearted crazy bitch. One second, we'd be brutally analyzing the awesomeness of Dr House via sms, the next second I'd be cold shouldering the phone.

"Baby, what's wrong?" He'd ask, completely bewildered by my bipolar switch in cudliness.

"Nothing. I just need time on my own."

"Let me help, I want to be there for you."

"No, just leave me alone for awhile." I said, feeling the urge to throw my phone down the S-bend, walk away and meditate.

"What happened to you, baby? We used to be so good together. Why are you acting like this?"  Here's a hint: girls love this.

Of course the more he tried, the more I pulled back, making him try even more, which left me with only one other option.

To run for the hills. 

I blame all of this (Losing one of the best things in my life, my best friend and good times) on myself. For some reason, I subconsciously sabotaged everything good I had at the time for reasons unknown.

Okay, I lied. Not all of my motivations were obscure, there was that one itty bitty fact that I hated who I was whenever I was around him.

Don't get me wrong. He is the greatest guy I'll ever get close enough to even meeting, and his girlfriend is one of the luckiest lassies in this universe. But I was a demanding, poisonous bitch. I played crazy you-wont-believe-it mind games, brought up his ex-es...the list goes on and on and after all that madness, my only defense is that I've changed.

Or at least I thought I had...But what if I haven't? What If underneath all the regret and change and growth I'm still a monster waiting to pop out and eat the next poor soul's heart? What then???

And so, with a luggish heart I decided to put a stop to it. He didn't deserve me, and I knew I didn't deserve being who I was. I had to mature, get hurt a couple of times myself, break my own heart before I could be deemed worthy of someone like him. I knew when my time came, the next guy would come along. Believe it or not, like that Annie song, they always do.

But I still miss him...theres a fond part in my heart especially reserved that i wont just give away to anyone. I hope he's happy, I hope he'll forgive me, I'll even go so far as to hoping that we can be friends again. Maybe not "Mmm hmmmm right....friends", but just friends. Because there aren't many people who can read me the way he did.