You sick, sick bastard

Muchas gracias to the interesting and outspoken Sam Insanity for bringing this to my attention. You should go check out his blog. It's awesome. Seriously. Back yet? Good.

So if anyone's been reading the paper recently, you've probably seen this in the Dear Thelma advice column:

Two days ago, an undergraduate confessed that he'd been sleeping with his granny regularly...

After being caught masturbating in his room....

And then after she passed away...well, I'll just let you read it for yourself.

[Sick perverseness begins Here]


[lock up the kiddies, parents.]


[And while you're at it, you better lock up the grannies too] 

Guilty secret with granny

I AM an undergraduate at a public university and am currently in my final year. I have a dark secret that’s consuming my life. I can barely keep up with my studies and I’ve been failing a number of papers. Despite support from my family members and girlfriend, I still ended up failing. I feel really lost.

I come from a very strict and conservative family. If my family members find out about my secret, they will be greatly disappointed. I’m troubled but have nobody to turn to.

It all started back when I completed my final STPM paper. I was masturbating in my room and had forgotten to lock the door. Halfway through, my grandmother opened the door to call me for dinner and caught me in the act. I was shocked to see her and quickly pulled up my pants. She just kept quiet and walked away.

I felt dirty, disgusted, guilty and ashamed of myself. After the incident, I always felt awkward whenever I saw my grandmother, but seeing her was inevitable as we lived under the same roof. Things became worse a few months after the incident.

One day, after my parents and had siblings had gone out, I had to help grandmother prepare dinner. As we were talking, she kept saying how much I resembled my (deceased) grandfather when he was young and how much she missed him. There was a long pause, after which she gestured me to her room. I had a feeling I knew what was going to happen, but curiosity got the better of me.

I cannot remember much after this. I knew it was wrong, but I proceeded anyway. It lasted no more than five minutes and I quickly left her room after that. It was all very confusing, but that did not stop me – I started having sex with my grandmother regularly after that.

She passed away recently and I sank into depression. I cannot concentrate on my course and my relationship with my girlfriend has been affected. Every time we attempt to have sex, I just cannot perform and she is getting impatient.

My grades are failing, my girlfriend is frustrated with me, my family is disappointed with me, and I still fantasise about my grandmother. What I should do? Should I be honest with my family about this?

- On The Edge

[Sick perverseness ends here]

My money lies on a hoax. 

Probably by some sick teenager who gets a kick out of freaking out poor advice columnist ladies in mumus. 

This.
Is a mumu.

But since he (or she. Just to be politically correct here) came up with the time and effort to put a dose of ludicrousness into our daily lives (as if our politicians aren't doing enough of that already. But more on that next time),  I figured I owe it to the guy to give my own advice.

Of course, you can always see the real response Thelma gave on The Star's official website.


But seriously, where's the fun in that?


Dear On The Edge,


You evidently need a lot of help if all you can accomplish is five minutes with your own grandmother (And lets be honest here, it probably wasn't even five was it?). But lucky for you, I happen to be a professional advice columnist at The Moon, Malaysia's latest newspaper. It also sounds like gullible if you say it really....reaaaaalllllllyyyyyyyyy slowly.


Firstly, you've been reading way too much 4chan. Get off the page. Nobody's actually posting there anyway.


Secondly, you need to get a life. If the first thing you did after finishing your final STPM paper is jack off, then I'm sorry, but you are a loser. People your age are out there partying, getting wasted and generally having a good time and I suggest you do the same. That is, of course, unless nobody invited you. Which may have something to do with your resembling your dead grandfather.


Unfortunately, I have no advice on how to cure ugliness. I do however, have a paper bag with me. It's very useful. 


Thirdly, and lets just cut to the chase here, you don't really have a girlfriend do you? Because if you did, you wouldn't be spending all your time on 4chan, whacking off, and writing bogus crap letters to the newspaper.   Hooray for you though, if you plan on continuing along your path of thinking up lame hoaxes. 


It is also in the opposite direction of a vagina.  


Still, good for you.


Love, Punk Chopsticks


A hoax or the real deal? You tell me. 


[Final joke]